Forget trying to shed all those vices in January. Vices are what make the world so ruddy delicious. We all know that you don’t really want to be munching on that celery stick and spending hours doing Zumba. So let the dark side take over and be tempted by these obscenely delicious treats that we’re cruelly waving in front of your dieting face. It’s OK so salivate…
When the cronut emerged in 2013, people literally couldn’t believe what they were seeing. A croissant, crossed with a donut? The audacity! The indulgence! What megalomaniac baker concocted this cruelly delicious calorific treat? Well the answer is a certain Chef Dominique Ansel and his bakery in New York City. Time listed it as one of their top 25 inventions of 2013. Imagine layers and layers of pastry then fried and sugared into an indulgent masterpiece. January diet? What January diet?
Nothing says indulgence quite like a danish pastry. These swirls of calorie filled goodness have been taking the world by storm since emigrants brought them to the United States. But according to Helen Russel, author of the ‘Year Of Living Danishly’, they taste a whole lot better on their home turf. None of this mass-produced tasteless nonsense. No, the real deal. That’s why we’re advising you hurl down that disgusting detox smoothie and jump on the next flight to Copenhagen. Then get yourself to a bakery and gently weep at the delights on offer in front of you.
Have you tasted something so sweet and delicious that it felt like you were riding a unicorn over a double rainbow? No? Well you’ve never had a pralines. These obscenely delicious treats come in two varieties. French pralines are an irresistible combination: almonds and caramelized sugar in a firm consistency. Their American counterparts are softer and creamier, like fudge. Often they feature decadent additions like pecans and hazelnuts, glazed with sugar. Have you set fire to that ‘New Year, New Me’ diet book yet?
The success of the Great British Bake Off on the BBC has meant Brits are madder about baking than ever before. One of the quintessentially British baked treats is the scone. Whether you pronounce it to rhyme with ‘gone’ or ‘cone’ doesn’t really matter (you’ll sound frightfully posh no matter how you say it). What is important however, is that it’s served with a lethal abundance of clotted cream and topped with jam. We can’t stress enough how crucial this is. Your scone half should be a vessel for roughly ten inches of jam and cream.
These sausage-shaped sweet wonders are the stuff dreams are made of. Like a profiterole, but generously extended – just ‘cos. Often made with a variety of toppings (chocolate, caramel, icing) they are always filled with an excessive amount of cream. So much so that biting into one of these bad boys means risking an eruption of cream on the other end. But it won’t matter even if it squirts all over your boss’s new jacket. Why? Because you will be officially in heaven. And you will have forgotten celery sticks exist.